missing him

I was watching Survivor with Brad the other day. And as it seems to happen every season, after a challenge, a single winner is gifted time spent with a loved one. But before the competition begins each potential sole survivor is granted a moment to hug and hold the family member who was chosen to fly in for a visit. That brief moment is very emotional. All the contestants cry, sometimes uncontrollably. Brad sat quietly, watching the interaction, just as I was. Not a word was said between us.

Until he broke the silence with a simple observation.

"How come you don't cry like that, with Dad not being here?" Brad nonchalantly inquired.

For a millisecond, I wondered the same thing. 'Yeah, why don't I cry? After all, my husband isn't here with me. That's plenty reason to cry, right?'

But, out loud, I informed Brad that I have the luxury of talking with Rudy anytime I want. "Those players are on an island, without communication, trying to survive. Trying to keep their emotions in tact. But, when they see a person they know, and can truly trust, their tears take over," I answered, in what I believed to have been the truth. Brad just nodded, saying "Yeah, I guess. That makes sense."

I didn't realize it at the time, nor did Brad, but his observation put a fork in my we're doing what we need to, to survive way of thinking. Suddenly, every relationship I was seeing - on TV, in real life - made me want to cry, because I am seriously missing Rudy.

I miss his presence; when our knees bump each other when sitting down on the couch, while we talk; the smell of the dinner he's cooking for us; the loud rock music blaring out of the stereo system while he's tanning by the pool; I miss talking to him about things that irk me, or things that are going great; his advice on how to handle a situation; I miss him walking into the bedroom, just to check in, just to say hello, I love you, sealed with a kiss; I miss hugging him, as a way to soothe him, letting him know everything will be okay; I miss watching him laugh with the kids, laughing about some inside joke someone said; I miss his warmth; and his protective shield he surrounds me with, a feeling of knowing I will be safe as long as he's around; and I definitely miss his strong hand in mine; our fingertips grazing.

Ironically, what I told Brad about the competitors on Survivor, "Those players are on an island, without communication, trying to survive. Trying to keep their emotions in tact. But, when they see a person they know, and can truly trust, their tears take over", is exactly how I am feeling. I am simply trying to survive our situation, as best I know how, holding my emotions in so that I don't fall apart.