Though technology keeps Rudy and I in-step with each other, its the physical closeness that we live without, on a day-to-day basis. We can text, telling each other to Have a great day!, and to send our I LOVE YOU's, and we can press speed dial, enabling us to feel connected, soothed, through the familiarity of our voices, but there is no way to physically hold hands, on a regular basis.
Rudy has been working in Arkansas for more than a year and a half. And as the time flies, I find that I really am single. Single as in solo. Solo as in doing what needs to get done, alone.
We do discuss happenings on the phone; specifically, I talk with Rudy about how the kids are doing, in school, at work, or just within their social realm. We have conversations about the house, about its upkeep and such, and, of course, we talk about us.
Yesterday, after spending the day at work, after returning home and relaxing for a bit, Brad and I hung out, bought a few things, and ate a drive-thru meal; then, I dropped him off at a friends so that he could hang out for a few hours. As I was driving home, I felt single even though, of course, I am not; Rudy is very much my husband, and I am very loyal to our relationship, but I spend tons of time doing things solo. All by myself. And the more time I am alone, the more single I feel.
I am not complaining. I am simply feeling, and observing. I can sense how easy it would be to let it all go. To just stop trying. On the other hand, and more in line with how I see things, I can't imagine succumbing to what has been handed to Rudy and I to deal with. To allow the negatives in our shared life to take over.
Even in the midst of all this angst, the fact remains.
I am living as a single parent, and as harsh as that may seem, it is my reality. All I can do is forge ahead, and continuously maintain my positive outlook on our negative situation.