melancholy

Rudy was here recently, for a week. Ten days, to be specific. Unfortunately, he was only able to visit during the time when the kids and I returned to school. Yet, for him, it gave Rudy time to absorb our home, and what he's been missing. While I was at work, and the kids were out of the house, Rudy spent those days cooking, sunbathing, and listening to loud music. He wanted to make the most of his stay. To be able to take a piece of it back with him to Arkansas. Something to hold on to until his next visit.

Ironically, after he left here, he told me how he felt both sad and mad. He was sad that this is our situation, and mad that we didn't spend our time together wisely. 

I told him that something has got to give, that somewhere down the line everything will work itself out, and all will be right with our life. And, while Rudy agrees with this positive outlook, it's not easy to be in the middle of it. That not a day goes by that he doesn't think about how F'd up things can seem. Being home, though wonderful and great, also reminded him of what he's missing.

Rudy was also mad. Mad at himself. Ironically, he's upset for using the majority of his visit selfishly. Spending time doing what he wanted, rather than focusing on the family, and making the most of our togetherness.

The thing is, the way I see it, Rudy seriously needed selfish moments. He needed days to absorb the home he left behind, to soak in as much as he could, to take back with him, to fulfill him, so that he can continue to do his best work at his job. Because, eventually, everything pays off. 

What Rudy and I both agree about, is that he and I were here, together, in the same house. A married couple. And while that is ultra-important, he's feeling bad that, even though we fell right back into our routine, he's concerned that we didn't spend enough one-on-one time together. 

And, while I agree with his sentiment, for now, our situation is what it is, and we can only live life day-by-day. We can spend our days angry, or we can simply embrace the fact that we are still together, still committed, even in the midst of an unusual situation. A situation that Rudy and I are always adjusting to, always figuring out how best to use our time; and all the while, continuing to make it work.