Sunday, October 28, 2012


Our conversations usually happen in the form a text back and forth. A morning greeting, wishing each other a good day. I love you's, and hope you're okay.

One morning, I responded with more detail, talking about our future. The future when we will eventually be within reach of each other. I started out by stating that some day I'd like to sell our place and buy something small, cozy, and comfortable near the beach. A perfect place to make the most of our carefree days. Days no longer having constraints binding us. 

Sounds like a plan :-), Rudy responded.

As the days passed, I began to reflect on our relationship at a deeper level. 

We've had years and years of togetherness. And at times, not so much together. Meaning, we were living in the same place but living individual lives. As it must happen to many couples, I am sure, Rudy and I would do our own thing. He would stay home, enjoy the peace and quiet, and watch sports while I would take the kids out and attend to various activities. Or. Many times, at home, Rudy would do his thing at one end of the house, while I did mine at the other end. 

We've always had togetherness. But not always, together.

Thinking about the beach house, and our future, I began to realize we need to remedy this living together individually and connect more. We are in the second half of our lifetime, a time that Rudy and I should be spending lots of quality time together, in big quantities. We need to do things together, and enjoy each others company, on a regular basis, without question. 

Of course, all this is in my thought processes, as Rudy is living elsewhere. I am simply wanting to close the gap, so that when we are in one place, together again, all this will have been discussed, and worked out. 

These days I have been feeling unusually overwhelmed, like I am carrying way too much weight on my shoulders, trying to do everything myself here, in California. And, I know my irritable outbursts are uncharacteristic of me, so, I sent Rudy a text stating, sometimes I feel like running away... 

He didn't respond. 

Your mindset must be elsewhere .....I texted the next morning. I went on to explain that I thought he'd call me, check in. 

He sent me a text. ... I'm worried, concerned, and confused ......and figured I'd call him if I needed to talk. I agree with him, that if I needed to talk, I should have called him, not wait for him to interpret my text. But, instead of acknowledging as much, I returned a message to him, telling him how we are fooling ourselves thinking that texting is a great, and main, way to communicate .....that if we keep it up, our path will curve the wrong way.

That evening we talked on the phone. I told Rudy how, when we are back together, living in our beach house, that I want us to do more things together. To enjoy each others company more. To find passion - outside of the bedroom - and live life to the fullest. To make the most of the already great relationship we have. And, that aside from some sharp edges we can smooth out, we have a lot to offer each other, and the kind of relationship many people hope for. 

We both agreed. More time together is a must.

Ironically, the next evening we argued. Rudy was confused, again. He began reflecting on our whole life together, and wondered why, if I'm not happy with the way things are, then how is it possible that we are still together, after living solo within a relationship, all those years. I explained, that things were fine, it worked, it's the way we chose to live our life, but that now I am thinking about our future, and that now is the time to seriously be an engaging couple. It's time to focus on us. I just want us completely connected, rather than here and there. He says he doesn't like being told what to do.

I told him he's contradicting himself. One day, he agrees that we need to connect more - especially during our current situation - and the next day, he doesn't agree. Thinks things are fine.

I hung up on him.

1 comment:

  1. Sad to read you're experiencing loneliness and my heart is empathetic. I cannot imagine not feeling as you are from time to time. I've never understood why a talented chef can't find work where his family lives, but I understand it didn't happen for him. I have said this before, sometimes the most important thing is NOT the money or the's the people you love. It's always the people you love. Praying you find a solution and praying your wonderful Rudy comes home soon.