Rudy and I went through some difficult times, emotionally, during the three years he did not work, after being laid off from a going to retire from this place job. Our days were filled with a constant flow of ups, but mostly downs. We weren't feeling too happy. With each other. With our situation. We argued. A lot. Daily.One of those days......
I was trying to read. Take my mind off the bad feeling outside my bedroom door.
Yet, my head hurt. From a throbbing headache.
I could hear Rudy walking my way, down the hall, along the wooden floor boards. I was in the bed, under five layers of blankets. In pain. Unhappy.
"Do you need the light on?" he asked. As politely as he could manage.
"Yes!" I said rudely. Bitchlike.
"I just thought you didn't need it," he raised his voice.
I held up the book I was attempting to focus on.
Rudy walked back out the door. Slamming it shut.
I walked out into the kitchen. Feeling I owed him some kind of apology.
Rudy didn't bother to listen to what I had to say.
He walked away.
Into the garage.
Into his man-cave.
My head hurt. More.
I walked. Or stomped back to my bedroom. Mumbling angrily to myself. I crawled back under the blankets in the now no lights on dark room. I sighed. Heavily. Under all that weight.
I could hear Rudy.
Walking my way.
Again.
He opened the door. "The beef stew is done," he told me.
I ignored him. He walked away.
Five minutes later he returned.
He flipped on the light.
With anger.
Stood there. I assumed. I couldn't see him but I could hear him as he grumbled. Made angry sounds.
I did not move.
My head hurt. Badly. And, even though I was under a pile of blankets I felt so cold.
He flipped off the light. Slammed the door, and walked away, for a second time.
Again. I crawled out of my haven. Walked slowly back to the kitchen. To Rudy. "My head hurts. I don't feel well," I told him.
"Everything is falling apart!" he yelled in my direction.
I cried. Uncontrollably.
We yelled. At each other. Until neither of us could take it anymore. I returned to the room. Rudy stomped back into the garage.
My headache only got worse.
I took a deep breath. Found my spot under the blankets. Didn't move.
Not until the next morning.
(contribution for BFF - word prompt: negativity)
Your expression is wonderful :)
ReplyDeleteoh, thanks. jen.
DeleteIt's times like that, that make you appreciate all the wonderful moments so much more!
ReplyDeleteso true, k. so true.
DeleteI know exactly how you feel (felt), because I have been in your situation, but here is how I solved this situation:
ReplyDelete.
Our society penalizes men for displaying feelings of sadness, hurt and bitter disappointment. They label these feelings men have yet suppress as "gay", "weak", "effeminate", "stupid", and "cry-baby-like". That doesn't mean they cannot have these feelings, or that these feelings go away because they can't use them: it's just not approved to express them. Instead they manipulate these feelings into anger, frustration and indignity, and after they have kicked themselves around the block, they start kicking others around them - especially loved ones.
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That's because many men equate their success at work with their own personal value as a person. When the job is gone so is their self-esteem, and nothing but a new job will get it back.
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Here's what you can do: Shift his anger away from you and help him blame the company that fired him. You can make the old company the whipping boy, because it's not a person. This will help him salvage a portion of self-esteem, if he has a fictive enemy who robbed him of his dignity (at least it's not you any more). Next suggest he is much too good for that old stupid company, and the company is the fool for getting rid of him. Another smarter company needs him. .
People need to feel like they are needed, and even if this need doesn't actually exist (yet), you can help create it, so that his self-esteem gets a positive boost. Yes, it is all a trick to boost his heavily damaged self-esteem and ego, but it will help. Even if he's sceptical. Even if he doesn't believe you. Even if he's negative. If you keep repeating "Honey, they need you there!", and he still becomes angry because he doesn't believe you, keep trying. The strange part of this is, the more often you say "They need you", the more often his psyche is rewarded with positive feedback, and the more important he will feel about himself.
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This worked for me. I hope it works for you too!
great advice, celeste. thank you. (i left a note on your post :D)
DeleteYou guys have been tested by fire and rather than pulling you apart, those tough times seem to have forged an even stronger bond. Rough patches definitely make us remember what commitment really means.
ReplyDeletetested over and over, for sure. and you are right, elizabeth, it seems to bond us, rather that rip us to shreds.
DeleteOuch. Been there. That, don't go to bed angry tenet, doesn't work for me. Sometimes I need to vent, brood and retreat. Rob deals in his own way, but at the end of the day, we're there for each other. If I met you guys today, I'd feel I'd known you for years.
ReplyDeletei think we've all been there, kelly.
Deleteyep, like you i need space.. i've tried the never go to bed angry strategy... doesn't work for me either (or rudy for that matter).. with a little space we find we are more willing to listen better.
oh, boy, i wish i could meet you and rob. you sound like my kind of people. truly. someday.. right?
and hey, you changed your picture! spitting image of you! :D
I loved the way you wrote this. Great expressions of pain and anger. I could feel the way you were feeling. At times I smiled, I think I had been there myself once or twice.
ReplyDeleteI am going to join your site. Want to read more about your feelings. Very enjoyable.
hi sondra. thanks for the positive compliments... i know i am not alone on this.. relationships take work.. lots of work... thanks for joining....
DeleteMy husband quit his job to take another job several years ago. As it turned out, a supervisor without authority to hire had told him he was hired and when the big boss came back off vacation the following Monday morning, he said "Whoa there...", but the damage was done. He had another applicant already in the hire process. My husband was left high and dry for approx. 4 months. It was a really big test for our marriage, but we made it through - stronger for the experience. We might have had a couple scenarios such as yours, but I'm not tellin'...
ReplyDeleteoh, believe me, darlene, there are stories better left unsaid....
Deletefor men, i think it is harder for them to be out of work, when it's not their choice... the are considered the breadwinners - and feel like failures when they aren't contributing in a monetary way... (i know that's what was hard for rudy...
This is a really well written post. I could feel the tension and the stress as I read this piece. I think certain stresses--like being laid off--can really bring on tensions and tempers. It's surviving those really tough times that can later bring couples together and solidify the bond even more.
ReplyDeleteWell Done!! Cheers, Jenn
thank you, jenn.... i agree, the really tough times solidifying our relationship... too bad not everyone can see it this way, and give up way too early.... thanks for reading (again, and again :D)
DeleteIt is not easy is it? We all go through tough times.
ReplyDeletewww.thoughtsofpaps.com
It seems the world thinks only men go through this great depression when a job is pulled from under them. I was fired and I can tell you that as confident as I have always been in my abilities, I was totally devastated. I was a professional interviewee for over a year. In hindsight, I know I was the worst applicant for any position. I was walking into each interview knowing I wasn't good enough for this company. At the time, I thought I was doing my best and I just wasn't what they wanted. So not the case, I unhired myself before I ever entered their buildings.
ReplyDeleteMy roomy had no concept of what I was going through. He has never been fired. Never been let go. He couldn't imagine why it caused me to be so unsure about everything. To him, I was the same confident and capable woman I had always been. This caused many disputes, about everything except what the problem was. I just wanted him to understand. I just wanted him to tell me I was worthy of a job. I was a good addition to any company. He didn't tell me any of that. He told me I was giving the a$$hole who fired me way too much weight in my life. What he didn't get was that a$$hole TOOK my confidence, I didn't give it to him.
We survived that period, but I am not sure he ever understood. I just know he continued to love me and cheer me on. I really love that he supported me with no clue as to why I needed it.
♥
ps that Rudy is one lucky guy!